I've lived out the high of having the opportunity to live in Europe and now that I'm so accustomed to my amazing new life here I am starting to miss all things American. For example, being able to fluently communicate in my native language. Jesus Christ, I MISS ENGLISH! It's not like I don't hear enough English everyday because I go to an American school with American people and take English classes but that little bubble is only contained within the tiny building on Lungotevere Tor di Nona, 7. When I first arrived here, it was okay that I wasn't a fluent Italian speaker... I had only taken 4 semesters of Italian and hadn't spoken it for 4 months before I got here. But now I'm stuck in this internal dry place where being here, I've learned and relearned SO MUCH and it's that dark place where you realize that no matter how much you know, you'll never know it all. Mikki was here last weekend and we were expressing to each other our language woes and insecurities. We finally agreed upon that wise saying (even though we say it differently):
"The more you learn, the more you realize that you don't really know anything"
I think it's also the fact of feeling slightly out of place. Obviously I scream AMERICAN because even freaking tourists come up to me and start speaking to me in English. I've been asked 3 times- once by a fruit vendor, once by a police officer, and once by a typical street lurking creep- if I'm Moroccan and countless times I've been greeted with the beloved phrase "Hola" (ew pet peeve). I can look American, North African, or hispanic in Italy but I can't just look like an ethnic Italian. There are more of them here than you think.
It's a strange feeling, being homesick, because this is the 5th semester I've lived away from home but the first time I'm experiencing it. This may sound bizarre but Baltimore is such a subtle difference to Los Angeles compared with European cities. That's not to say I don't miss good ol' Bmore though, because I do. Every time my mind wanders to school I think about my job (which I love!) at the recycling center and tutoring the elementary school kids at Harriett Lane. I think about crazy times in Charles Commons 810 and all the people and all the drama and how Italy really needs to consider cheeseburgers with fried onions and sour cream. I think about what the weather must be like there because not until yesterday did it drop below 80 here. I really missed the 4 seasons because we don't get that in SoCal either. I thought about all the great times I had last year during intersession, driving around an empty campus in 16 degrees and coming back to my roommate Evalina and watching reruns of Platinum Weddings in the evening, or of my 4th grade tutee LaKayla who always had a comment on my appearance. "Courtney, why you always wear sweats? You look so OLD!" It's funny you don't realize how much some place becomes a part of you until you're not there any more. It's fine in the summer because I'm not SUPPOSED to be in Baltimore then, but now that I keep up with all my friends from school on Facebook, thoughts like these arise.
I don't take for granted Study Abroad, I know it is a luxury opportunity afforded to me for which I am deeply indebted to my parents and I don't take it lightly but I guess what I really mean is I wish I could be in 2 places at once....
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